Skinny, but not enough of a bitch

I shouldn't even been trying to write right now, my head hurts so much, but you know me, always a glutton for punishment. Why? Why do I do this to myself? Don't answer that, there isn't really an answer. All I know is...all I know is that I fenced really well yesterday, better than I've fenced almost ever...and I still lost. Worse. I didn't just lose, I was destroyed. By an opponent whom I was beating until the very last touch. But she got inside my head and I just couldn't shake her. And then, afterwards, when I was talking to my friend Ed and he was asking, "What do you think happened?" (luckily, he was there on the side of the strip encouraging me during the bout, so he saw), I was just too embarrassed to be able to say. But now I think that I can. She wore me down. She got inside my head and wore me down. And I let her. I let her. Why?

I just posted this status on Facebook: "I don't think that I am nasty enough to be any good at this sport. I keep thinking that it is about the actions, when it is really about getting inside your opponent's head and destroying her." Which, I now realize, is really and truly true. The women who are up there on the podium event after event aren't necessarily technically better fencers, they are just bigger bitches than everyone else on the strip. And guess what? They don't care. They don't care about being nice or setting up the action properly or making an elegant touch. They only care about hitting you. Again. And again. And again. And then, there they will be, back up on the podium again where they belong, while all of the rest of us dream of one day being them.

I'm not so sure anymore that that is such a good dream. Sure, I've been up there a couple of times, but only when the competition was thinned out a bit. Yesterday, the bitches were out in full force and even some of the ones that are usually up there wouldn't fit. I didn't even fit in the top 16, nevermind the top 8. Which is fine, because there were a lot of good fencers there. But good only gets you so far. To be up there on the podium, you have to be ruthless. And then act as if it is the most natural thing in the world for you to be there. Over and over and over again.

Maybe we should just all go home and let the top 4 (the same ones nearly every time) fence by themselves. They don't need us--do they? They're the ones that everyone is going to be fawning over, wanting to be friends with (except they don't have friends, just people they beat), giving awards for "supporting the sport." Yeah, right. We're the ones who "support the sport," all those of us at the bottom of the stupid pyramid. The ones who come to tournament after tournament and never even make it into the top 32 (in a 40-odd person event). The ones who practice and practice and practice and then win maybe one more pool bout after a couple of years. The ones for whom it is a great victory to complete an action well and make the touch that they didn't think they could. The ones who maybe get a lucky break once in a while and have a better day than they have had before. They--we--are the ones who "support" the goddamned sport, not the ones who use us to crawl their way back up on the podium over and over and over again.

Maybe I'm not giving them enough credit. Maybe they do realize this and I'm being unfair. But, see, that is exactly the kind of thought that keeps me off of that stupid podium. Why would they care? They're the winners. Just like universities who only look to the institutions that are ranked higher than they are and who couldn't care less about the thousands of schools ranked below them. "Who, them? We don't need them, we're the elite." Elite of what? Guess what, you need that pyramid under you to be "elite." Nobody cares if you are in the top 4 if there are only 4 of you.

Good grief, I am in a bitchy mood. I bet it won't last. I bet when I get back on that stupid f*cking strip this afternoon that I will still be worrying more about being nice than about destroying every ounce of self-respect my opponent has ever had about her ability in this sport. I can't do it. I just can't do it. I'm not that much of a bitch.

Comments

  1. NithuigimMarch 19, 2012 at 7:33 AM

    Dear Bear:

    You are personalizing too much. "Six times falling, seven times getting up." The match is not about "ruthless" or "fair" etc. You must stop thinking about such things while you are fencing (and afterward). You should have nothing in mind. Your foil is your mind. Let every thought and energy flow into the point of your instrument of destruction. You must not "try" to be anything because when you are you are not fencing, you are thinking about fencing. When you separate your effort by even the thickness of a sheet of paper you are not fencing any longer - you are bemoaning ethics, your childhood, your girth, your shopping list, did you turn the gas off?, thinking about everything but fencing. Quit "striving for result." Josho saw a monk sitting in meditation with a self-satisfied, pious look on his face. He asked the monk, "What are you doing?" "I am trying to become a buddha," said the monk. Josho picked up a brick and began rubbing it with the hem of his robe. "What are you doing?" asked the monk. "Oh, I am making a mirror!" said Josho.

    No wonder you lose! You shackle yourself with distractions galore. Just fence! Don't think! Don't whine! Perhaps, after a while, you stop doing those things after a match as well - you "just fence" and then pick up your gear and maybe a medal and go home. Your best aid right now is your new health regimen because it actually promotes better fencing and it is a "doing" not a "thinking."

    BTW, have you read David Knowles' THE EVOLUTION OF MEDIEVAL THOUGHT, and his description and analysis of ancient and medieval education. I'm sure you probably have, but if not you should take a look at it.

    Yours, a fan waiting patiently to applaud your next triumph - Marche ou crève!

    ReplyDelete
  2. anotheranonMarch 19, 2012 at 8:38 PM

    I know you've probably talked yourself out of the hole you were in when you wrote this, but.... you know the "bitches" aren't out to get you, right? I mean, I wasn't there - maybe there were some "Mean Girl" sneers and glares - but when someone gets in your head when you're competing it's not personal, just ruthlessly practical.

    Which doesn't make it suck less when they're in your head, but even so...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Fencing BearMarch 20, 2012 at 12:31 PM

    Darn it, I just deleted the ever-so-eloquent comment I was writing in response to both of you! Try again: yes! You are both right: I am taking all of this much too personally. But not, I should clarify, because I think that my stronger opponents have anything against *me.* Maybe occasionally someone does (although if she does, she generally loses because I can tell when she loses her focus and starts worrying about beating me rather than just fencing), but most of the time it is clear that there is nothing personal going on, except in my head. I was using "bitches" ironically, if purposefully: in our culture, we tend to consider women "bitchy" simply for standing up for themselves, never mind women who have the presence of mind not to get all caught up in worrying about what other people think. Thus the (somewhat bitter) joke about being skinny but not yet a bitch: "bitchiness" is simply self-confidence, the steadiness to stay in the moment and not get distracted by worries about whether I'm good enough or deserve to be doing such-and-such. If I am jealous of the "bitches" still, it is because I've watched them so many times keep absolute focus in their bouts--and I can't (not yet, anyway).

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my blog post. I look forward to hearing what you think!

F.B.

Popular posts from this blog

Draco Layer Four: The Anagogic or Mystical Sense

Image
Here be dragons. And doves. Human beings long for transcendence. Such longing is, for the world, always out of fashion because, of course, it is not a longing for the world, and the world knows it. We know what the world wants. The world—by which we mean Satan, the Lord of the World—wants above all our obedience, a jewel so precious that he will do anything to get it: lie, steal, murder, bear false witness, pretend to social standing, pretend to insider knowledge to get us to consent to his influence.  “God lied to you. You will not die.” And suddenly we are anxious about having other people dislike us, about losing prestige in our social circles, about other people being more popular or influential or successful, about other people having secret knowledge, about our own influence and fame. “You shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.” And with that temptation, our first parents fell. The irony is cosmic. There they were in the Garden, privy to conversation with God face-to-face, ...
Keep reading

Talking Points: Three Cheers for White Men

Image
1. When white women (see Marie de France and Eleanor of Aquitaine) invented chivalry and courtly love , white men agreed that it was better for knights to spend their time protecting women rather than raping them, and even agreed to write songs for them rather than expecting them to want to have sex with them without being forced. 2. When white men who were celibate (see the canon lawyers and theologians of the twelfth century and thereafter) argued that marriage was a sacrament valid only if both the man and the woman consented , white men exerted themselves to become good husbands rather than expecting women to live as their slaves. 3. When white women (see Christine de Pizan, Mary Wollstonecraft, and the suffragettes) invented feminism , white men supported them (see John Stuart Mill) and even went so far as to vote (because only men could vote at the time) to let them vote, not to mention hiring them as workers and supporting their education. And before you start telling me a...
Keep reading

Draco Layer Three: The Moral or Tropological Sense

Image
Learn to discern. We all know what sin is, right? Right?!  Once upon a time in the desert , the hermit Evagrius Ponticus (d. 399) set out to make a list of the most deadly ones, albeit he called them “deadly thoughts,” not “sins.” You probably know the list, even if you don’t think you do: gluttony, impurity (a.k.a. lust), avarice (a.k.a. greed), sadness (a.k.a. feeling sorry for oneself), anger or wrath, acedia  or sloth, vainglory, and pride (two different things).  Not quite the list you were expecting? That is because some centuries later—we’re talking ancient times here, when centuries passed like decades do now (or vice versa)—Pope Gregory the Great (d. 604) revised the list, somewhat accidentally, in his commentary on Job.  Gregory had been expounding Job according to its multiple layers—yes, that’s right! Job, like Shrek, has layers! —and he happened somewhere in book XXXI to mention the “seven principle vices” to which Pride,  the “Queen of S...
Keep reading

How to Signal You Are Not a White Supremacist

Image
Professor Kim READ FIRST:  Why Dorothy Kim Hates Me , The Color of the House of the Lord It’s back to class for those of us who teach in medieval studies, and my medievalist colleague Dorothy Kim , Assistant Professor of English at Vassar College ( pictured in 2014 ), wants to make sure you understand the stakes . The medieval western European Christian past is being weaponized by white supremacist/white nationalist/KKK/nazi extremist groups who also frequently happen to be college students.  That does sound bad. But, wait, it gets worse! Don’t think western European medieval studies is exceptional.... ISIS/ISIL also weaponizes the idea of the pure medieval Islamic past in their recruiting rhetoric for young male Muslims. If the medieval past (globally) is being weaponized for the aims of extreme, violent supremacist groups, what are you doing, medievalists, in your classrooms? Because you are the authorities teaching medieval subjects in the classroom, you are, in ...
Keep reading

Make the Middle Ages Dark Again

Image
I miss the good old days. You remember. Back when the only thing people knew about the Middle Ages is that they were Dark and filled with evil barons wresting a living off the back of their serfs, not to mention lecherous clergy imprisoning young maidens so as to rape them and then accuse them of witchcraft. You remember, right? What it was like when the Middle Ages were Dark? The Roman Catholic Church made slaves of everyone, stripped them of their sense of dignity and independence and made social status a matter not of achievement, but birth. The Church hated science and industry and did everything in its power to keep people in chains. It guarded its authority with the sword and the stake, stifled all innovation, and fed the common people lies. And why were these Ages so Dark? There were no universities, no towns, only castles with dungeons. Monks huddled in their cells thinking dark thoughts about sin, while Vikings stormed across the countryside, raping and pillaging and ca...
Keep reading