Protective Coloring

I served as vestry greeter for our congregation this morning and while I was talking with one of our newcomers, I said something that I am not entirely comfortable with.  I think that I did a good job representing the ideals of our parish, but I am not sure how I feel anymore about some of the things that we as a community are supposed to believe.  Not about God or His Son or the importance of liturgy, I'm rock solid on that.  Nor about how welcoming we genuinely strive to be.  But, well, if I said, then you would know why I am feeling so uncomfortable about it, but that's the problem: I'm not sure what to say anymore.  Not that I've actually changed my own ideas about what I believe, just that I have now admitted to myself that I believe them.  But I also know that they are at odds with the norms in my social milieu and I am finding myself less and less willing to pretend that I agree, and yet I am still not ready to come out and say what I do think for fear of giving offense.  Thus, the socially correct words came out of my mouth and I heard myself saying them, knowing that for myself at least they were not entirely true, not in the way that I think things like that are usually meant.

I don't think that I did anything actually wrong as vestry greeter; I was standing in for the parish, and I am fairly sure that almost everyone in the congregation would agree with what I said.  But maybe not.  Maybe there are others out there, hiding behind the things that we know we are meant to say, even though we profoundly disagree with them.

I am such a chicken.


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