Ash Wednesday Eve

I don't want to be like this but somehow I can't help it.

"Patience, Grasshopper. You must learn to walk the rice paper."

"But I want it now! Give it to me now!"

I've worked so hard, and yet the opening does not come.

I make it difficult for my friends because I cannot simply be happy for them when they beat me.

Is this original sin? It feels so petty, not big enough to be evil, just a three-year-old's temper tantrum.

Grow up, already!

I am but a child and cannot seem to put away childish things.

It's the same feeling of frustration that one had when one was three and one could not control things the way that one wanted.

An illusion, being an adult: that it is possible to be in control.

But I've learned to do so many things in these 41 years; how is it that it is so easy to be 3 years old again?

I want a different character, one that is happier and doesn't take things so hard.

But this is the one God gave me. Is it some kind of joke? God couldn't possibly want me to be like this.

Why can't I behave and think and feel in the way that I want? I'd much rather be happy however I fence. It's only a game.

The Psalms talk about enemies who oppress me, but the only oppressor I see is myself.

Am I broken or did God intend for me to be this way? If not, why can't I change? It's not like I enjoy being so miserable.

Comments

  1. WilliamFebruary 25, 2009 at 4:18 AM

    Its less about devotion then it is a system of living. Like Mr. Patel had said in the manner in which you pray. Its a system that if you follow properly you are less likely to not take responsibility for you actions. Hmm..its not coming out properly. To not pray to Ganesha firstly or properly may cause dilemmas. Its a system. Should you pick up that little chad of paper that broke off when you tore out a page from a spiral bound notebook and conscientiously feel you don't litter? If you make that your habit then your personal world will be for the better. Not too mention your conscience. Mr. Patel may have believed that his conscience was not wholely clear when he received his ticket for a moving violation. Maybe F.B. has been slacking on her Faithful duties and Her concience is not wholely clear. Maybe F.B, is coming to realize her Creators tag isn't an Earth-bound label but Her mark of endowment and that label is not She as a whole. Maybe She is realizing that duties to your God and those that accompany Creation, are a system that if followed with diligence, may lead to a clear conscience and an acceptance that effort was equal to outcome.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Fencing BearFebruary 25, 2009 at 5:06 AM

    Not sure what you're saying here. Perfect devotion would involve perfect humility and surrender to God's will. But in order to fence effectively, I must also have the will to win, otherwise I am not playing the game. The conflict for me is between the ambition that I have to improve and the reality that I will never be as good a fencer as I would like. The sin that I'm struggling with--or, rather, trying to identify--is feeling so angry at myself for not being able to take what comes and to accept that I'm always going to be mediocre at best (i.e. never the winner, even if I fence well). Is this a sin? But then it seems to be part of my character, not something I can work on to improve. I've been like this all my life--as my mother will tell you, ever since I was 2--so is it even possible to change? My friends might say, if they were in a charitable mood, "Oh, that's just F.B. She gets upset and afraid," but isn't getting upset and afraid a sin because it makes me feel so miserable and cut off from God, not to mention those who would try to comfort or advise me? The root sin here is probably, as always, pride, but why, having realized this, can't I do anything about it? A suitable meditation for Ash Wednesday, don't you think?

    ReplyDelete
  3. WilliamFebruary 25, 2009 at 9:41 AM

    Sorry. It was fairly early in the morning when I wrote it. I was writing that in hindsight of some of your past posts. FB hiding under the veil worrying about the tag or label. Mr. Patel explaining his ticket because he hadn't prayed exactly correct. Its sounds as though you keep labeling yourself. IE you are never gonna be the fencer you wish you could be. I wish I could write logical thought that others understand no matter how vague I am. But, I write like I write. I'm not exactly saying its the way God created me. To be the Supercenter grocery stocker with obscure thoughts on an otherwise well written blog. Like how I had commented as to why you worry about writing poetry in more perfect meter. Its a system. If you follow it, you are less likely to feel as though you err. That in religion, your effort towards the "system" is equal to outcome... Sorry. Maybe I'm stating the obvious and trying to tie in your past posts with my thoughts. Its just that you seemed to be labeling yourself and your bucking the system because your more then the label sewed to your butt, and
    God is still playing with you and giving you the soul you need to be the mother, professor and author.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Fencing BearFebruary 25, 2009 at 10:32 AM

    I like the image of having a label sewed to my butt: do I believe the label or not?

    ReplyDelete
  5. UnknownFebruary 25, 2009 at 10:16 PM

    It's a very suitable meditation for Ash Wednesday. Thank you. The besetting sin for me is, as always, wanting to be in control. Everything rotten in my life stems from that.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my blog post. I look forward to hearing what you think!

F.B.

Popular posts from this blog

Draco Layer Four: The Anagogic or Mystical Sense

Image
Here be dragons. And doves. Human beings long for transcendence. Such longing is, for the world, always out of fashion because, of course, it is not a longing for the world, and the world knows it. We know what the world wants. The world—by which we mean Satan, the Lord of the World—wants above all our obedience, a jewel so precious that he will do anything to get it: lie, steal, murder, bear false witness, pretend to social standing, pretend to insider knowledge to get us to consent to his influence.  “God lied to you. You will not die.” And suddenly we are anxious about having other people dislike us, about losing prestige in our social circles, about other people being more popular or influential or successful, about other people having secret knowledge, about our own influence and fame. “You shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.” And with that temptation, our first parents fell. The irony is cosmic. There they were in the Garden, privy to conversation with God face-to-face, and
Keep reading

Signs & Things*

Image
Last week it was jet lag. Today, well, let’s call it semiotic overload. Consider the following manuscript folio. Imagine that you are in the British Library Manuscripts Reading Room and you have only one day to work with the manuscript—Arundel 157, if you would like the shelfmark--in which this folio (146recto) appears (click on the image if you would like to see it enlarged). Pretend, for the moment, that you can read the language (Latin) and script (an early thirteenth-century Gothic bookhand from England, probably around Oxford) in which it is written and that you are familiar with the conventions of abbreviation that the scribe has used. You cannot take photographs of the manuscript (this is, after all, the British Library; they will be very happy to make a limited number of photographs for you—at a price) and you do not know whether a microfilm is available. Assume, for the moment, that it is not; in any case, even if it were, it would not be in color. What would you inclu
Keep reading

Talking Points: Three Cheers for White Men

Image
1. When white women (see Marie de France and Eleanor of Aquitaine) invented chivalry and courtly love , white men agreed that it was better for knights to spend their time protecting women rather than raping them, and even agreed to write songs for them rather than expecting them to want to have sex with them without being forced. 2. When white men who were celibate (see the canon lawyers and theologians of the twelfth century and thereafter) argued that marriage was a sacrament valid only if both the man and the woman consented , white men exerted themselves to become good husbands rather than expecting women to live as their slaves. 3. When white women (see Christine de Pizan, Mary Wollstonecraft, and the suffragettes) invented feminism , white men supported them (see John Stuart Mill) and even went so far as to vote (because only men could vote at the time) to let them vote, not to mention hiring them as workers and supporting their education. And before you start telling me a
Keep reading

How to Signal You Are Not a White Supremacist

Image
Professor Kim READ FIRST:  Why Dorothy Kim Hates Me , The Color of the House of the Lord It’s back to class for those of us who teach in medieval studies, and my medievalist colleague Dorothy Kim , Assistant Professor of English at Vassar College ( pictured in 2014 ), wants to make sure you understand the stakes . The medieval western European Christian past is being weaponized by white supremacist/white nationalist/KKK/nazi extremist groups who also frequently happen to be college students.  That does sound bad. But, wait, it gets worse! Don’t think western European medieval studies is exceptional.... ISIS/ISIL also weaponizes the idea of the pure medieval Islamic past in their recruiting rhetoric for young male Muslims. If the medieval past (globally) is being weaponized for the aims of extreme, violent supremacist groups, what are you doing, medievalists, in your classrooms? Because you are the authorities teaching medieval subjects in the classroom, you are, in fact, ide
Keep reading

Make the Middle Ages Dark Again

Image
I miss the good old days. You remember. Back when the only thing people knew about the Middle Ages is that they were Dark and filled with evil barons wresting a living off the back of their serfs, not to mention lecherous clergy imprisoning young maidens so as to rape them and then accuse them of witchcraft. You remember, right? What it was like when the Middle Ages were Dark? The Roman Catholic Church made slaves of everyone, stripped them of their sense of dignity and independence and made social status a matter not of achievement, but birth. The Church hated science and industry and did everything in its power to keep people in chains. It guarded its authority with the sword and the stake, stifled all innovation, and fed the common people lies. And why were these Ages so Dark? There were no universities, no towns, only castles with dungeons. Monks huddled in their cells thinking dark thoughts about sin, while Vikings stormed across the countryside, raping and pillaging and ca
Keep reading