Ash Wednesday Eve

I don't want to be like this but somehow I can't help it.

"Patience, Grasshopper. You must learn to walk the rice paper."

"But I want it now! Give it to me now!"

I've worked so hard, and yet the opening does not come.

I make it difficult for my friends because I cannot simply be happy for them when they beat me.

Is this original sin? It feels so petty, not big enough to be evil, just a three-year-old's temper tantrum.

Grow up, already!

I am but a child and cannot seem to put away childish things.

It's the same feeling of frustration that one had when one was three and one could not control things the way that one wanted.

An illusion, being an adult: that it is possible to be in control.

But I've learned to do so many things in these 41 years; how is it that it is so easy to be 3 years old again?

I want a different character, one that is happier and doesn't take things so hard.

But this is the one God gave me. Is it some kind of joke? God couldn't possibly want me to be like this.

Why can't I behave and think and feel in the way that I want? I'd much rather be happy however I fence. It's only a game.

The Psalms talk about enemies who oppress me, but the only oppressor I see is myself.

Am I broken or did God intend for me to be this way? If not, why can't I change? It's not like I enjoy being so miserable.


  1. Its less about devotion then it is a system of living. Like Mr. Patel had said in the manner in which you pray. Its a system that if you follow properly you are less likely to not take responsibility for you actions. Hmm..its not coming out properly. To not pray to Ganesha firstly or properly may cause dilemmas. Its a system. Should you pick up that little chad of paper that broke off when you tore out a page from a spiral bound notebook and conscientiously feel you don't litter? If you make that your habit then your personal world will be for the better. Not too mention your conscience. Mr. Patel may have believed that his conscience was not wholely clear when he received his ticket for a moving violation. Maybe F.B. has been slacking on her Faithful duties and Her concience is not wholely clear. Maybe F.B, is coming to realize her Creators tag isn't an Earth-bound label but Her mark of endowment and that label is not She as a whole. Maybe She is realizing that duties to your God and those that accompany Creation, are a system that if followed with diligence, may lead to a clear conscience and an acceptance that effort was equal to outcome.

  2. Not sure what you're saying here. Perfect devotion would involve perfect humility and surrender to God's will. But in order to fence effectively, I must also have the will to win, otherwise I am not playing the game. The conflict for me is between the ambition that I have to improve and the reality that I will never be as good a fencer as I would like. The sin that I'm struggling with--or, rather, trying to identify--is feeling so angry at myself for not being able to take what comes and to accept that I'm always going to be mediocre at best (i.e. never the winner, even if I fence well). Is this a sin? But then it seems to be part of my character, not something I can work on to improve. I've been like this all my life--as my mother will tell you, ever since I was 2--so is it even possible to change? My friends might say, if they were in a charitable mood, "Oh, that's just F.B. She gets upset and afraid," but isn't getting upset and afraid a sin because it makes me feel so miserable and cut off from God, not to mention those who would try to comfort or advise me? The root sin here is probably, as always, pride, but why, having realized this, can't I do anything about it? A suitable meditation for Ash Wednesday, don't you think?

  3. Sorry. It was fairly early in the morning when I wrote it. I was writing that in hindsight of some of your past posts. FB hiding under the veil worrying about the tag or label. Mr. Patel explaining his ticket because he hadn't prayed exactly correct. Its sounds as though you keep labeling yourself. IE you are never gonna be the fencer you wish you could be. I wish I could write logical thought that others understand no matter how vague I am. But, I write like I write. I'm not exactly saying its the way God created me. To be the Supercenter grocery stocker with obscure thoughts on an otherwise well written blog. Like how I had commented as to why you worry about writing poetry in more perfect meter. Its a system. If you follow it, you are less likely to feel as though you err. That in religion, your effort towards the "system" is equal to outcome... Sorry. Maybe I'm stating the obvious and trying to tie in your past posts with my thoughts. Its just that you seemed to be labeling yourself and your bucking the system because your more then the label sewed to your butt, and
    God is still playing with you and giving you the soul you need to be the mother, professor and author.

  4. I like the image of having a label sewed to my butt: do I believe the label or not?

  5. It's a very suitable meditation for Ash Wednesday. Thank you. The besetting sin for me is, as always, wanting to be in control. Everything rotten in my life stems from that.


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