Good Little Girl

So, we're getting down to bedrock here.  Pretty soon there will be nothing left.  We've demolished the walls that I had built up around me to keep myself safe, exposed the anxieties for the lies that they were, shone light on the dark places of fear and self-doubt, charted the times when I didn't listen.  I appreciate now that nothing that has happened in the past is relevant to things that are happening now; that the important thing is to live in the present, not keep rehearsing the past.  And, well, I've learned that of all of the people in my life whom I was afraid to trust, the one person that I should not have been listening to was myself.  'Cause what do I know about anything anyway, just because I've read a lot of books?

Go ahead, mock me.  Make fun of the times that I've tried to heal myself.  Point to all of the ways that I misunderstood because, out of pride and fear, I thought I had found the answer.  Show me how it's all been in my head, not real at all.  How nothing I thought about the ways in which other people have responded to me has had anything to do with what they were thinking, only with my overreacting out of fear.  I know it's what you wanted, for me to be a good little girl, never making a fuss.  Saying all the right things, being willing to visit, not saying anything that might intimidate or make others feel less than smart.  And heaven forbid that I get frustrated.  But, soon, soon, not any more.  I will have lost the need to prove myself in competition because I will have realized that I couldn't impress you anyway.  That you didn't care whether I competed or not, that it only frightened you.  And besides, that's not what good little girls do.

Good little girls cheer on their brothers, they don't try to compete.  Good little girls accept what they are given, they are always there for others, they don't fight or point out uncomfortable truths.  Good little girls don't keep blogs in which they bare their frustrations and fears to the world.  Good little girls know how to be grateful and not complain.  But, there, soon all of this will be gone and you won't have to worry any more.  I will be quiet and listen and not make a fuss.  That's what you wanted, isn't it?

Comments

  1. Oh Bear, forget about being good and go bite someone. As my coach says "natural anger" is good for you.

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