Miserere mei

And that's it, I've told you everything.  All of my deepest, pettiest, most envious thoughts.  All of my weaknesses, all of my sins.  And you, Lord, have washed me clean.  Even in my darkest moments, you have been there, whether I believed it or not.  Guiding me, loving me, making manifest "the uncertain and hidden things of thy wisdom."

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to thy great mercy,
and according to the multitude of thy tender mercies
blot out my iniquity.
Wash me yet more from my iniquity, 
and cleanse me from my sin, 
for I know my iniquity 
and my sin is always before me.

Truly, you have been here with me, in ways I could never have dreamed five years ago when I began this blog.  Then, I was but a little bear, still so full of fear and anxiety.  Now I am an older bear, older but thanks to you wiser.  You have guided my footsteps into the desert and been with me as I wrestled with my demons, making me clean.

Thou shalt sprinkle me with hyssop, 
and I shall be cleansed;
thou shalt wash me, 
and I shall be made whiter than snow.
To my hearing thou shalt give joy and gladness,
and the bones that have been humbled shall rejoice.
Turn away thy face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.
Create a clean heart in me, O God,
and renew a right spirit within my bowels.
Cast me not away from thy face, 
and take not thy holy spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation,
and strengthen me with a perfect spirit.

Which you have.  Five years ago I could not imagine being able to do the things that I can do now.  Five years ago, I was blind, and you have made me see.  You have given me strength when I nearly despaired, patience when all I wanted to do was rush, love when I would reject your many gifts.  You have taught me how to learn and how to wait.  You have shown me my sins in all their ugliness and taken them from me one by one.  I'm not sure what I have left to write about anymore.  You have given me such peace, all I can do is shout with joy.

I will teach the unjust thy ways,
and the wicked shall be converted to thee.
Deliver me from blood, O God, thou God of my salvation,
and my tongue shall extol thy justice.
O Lord, thou wilt open my lips,
and my mouth shall declare thy praise,
for if thou hadst desired sacrifice,
I would indeed have given it;
with burnt offerings thou wilt not be delighted.
A sacrifice to God is an afflicted spirit;
a contrite and humbled heart, O God,
thou wilt not despise.

Lord, accept the sacrifice of this blog, of the work that you have helped me do on myself through it.  I thank you for the strength that you have given me as I confronted my sins.  I thank you for the readers that have been on this journey with me all these years, both those who were with me from the beginning and those who have only recently joined.  Help me to take the lessons that you have taught me and continue to share them with others, even as I continue to practice following your will.

Amen.

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