Magical Thinking

If I were thin...

I would wear sleeveless shirts, spaghetti-strap dresses and long, flowing skirts over perfect ankles and soft feet.

My hair would be long and smooth, not frizzy and impossible to style.  My face would be sweet, gentle and loving, wrinkled in smiles, not coarsened with fear and age.

I would live in a big three-story house with a wrap-around porch, big windows and hardwood floors, lots of light and space, cool with breezes in the summer and warm with crackling fires in the winter.

I would spend my mornings sitting in my upstairs library-office, writing exquisite prose, novels and essays and translations of great spiritual texts; the afternoons walking in the park with my dog; and the evenings entertaining friends with wine and music and sparkling conversation.

I would be elegant and poised, graceful and calm, quiet and serene.

I would be a real athlete, strong and self-assured, able to concentrate perfectly, move powerfully and precisely, gliding through space.

I would be a real artist, designing great works of beauty and symbolism, crafting in wood and paint, pottery and glass.

I would never lose my temper, never get angry, never misunderstand what somebody else was saying, never react out of fear.

I would have lots of friends, colleagues with whom I could carry on deep and stimulating conversations, students eager to study with me whom I would have round on Sundays for tea.

I would do yoga every morning, be flexible, fluid, and lithe.  I would eat only nourishing foods in ideal amounts, never too much, never out of anything other than hunger.  I would cook every meal from the freshest ingredients.

I would take regular vacations, travel to exotic places, speak every language I needed to in order to make conversation with the people whom I met.

I would take beautiful photographs of the places I visited and people whom I met and tell captivating stories about my adventures and insights.

I would never have to struggle with myself about having to work or exercise or take care of my family and home.  I would do everything effortlessly with perfect concentration and without anxiety or frustration or fear.

I would be the perfect wife, mother, daughter, sister, niece, and cousin.  I would stay in touch with everyone, visit regularly, know everyone's likes and dislikes, make everyone feel happy and comfortable.

I would never be afraid.

I would be loved.

If I were thin.