Abbot Milo’s School for Thots

Every so often a message goes out on Milo’s Telegram channel, inviting newcomers to join his private chat.

The most recent message promised justice:
Judge Milo. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final.
Previous invitations have included offers of refreshments:
Milo’s Sweet Teas. Our family of high-quality teas are made with natural ingredients. The only thing that makes Milo’s [tea] even more delicious is enjoying it with food!
political action:
Committee for the Re-election of the Faggot. Open to all God-fearing fag devotees. 
educational programs:
Scented Flaps. Welcome, freshmen! In Body Positivity 101, you’ll learn how being a corpulent ham planet is cool and healthy, and how the stench of putrefying flesh and moldy leftovers is just nature’s own seductive fragrance. Ask Prof. Yiannopoulos for his office hours. 
and prayers for penance:
Il Vaticano. Deus meus, ex toto corde paenitet me omnium meorum peccatorum, eaque detestor, quia peccando, non solum poenas a Te iuste statutas promeritus sum, sed praesertim quia offendi Te, summum bonum, ac dignum qui super omnia diligaris.
But otherwise there is little indication of what newcomers should expect when they click the link to join.

The first message they see when they enter the chat comes from the Guardian Dragon, regularly adjusted for the current theme of the chat, but in essentials always the same:
Welcome to the madhouse, N. Please remember, [this chat] is not a democracy. Read the pinned rules and ensure you pay obeisance to your Queen daily. Except on Tuesday, if you’re a woman. On Tuesdays you should be doing the ironing.
The women are lucky; they get an explicit warning. But the Dragon means what it says. Everyone—including the women—had better have a look at the pinned rules. Or else.

Here they are in brief, as summarized by Milo:
NO WOMEN ON TUESDAYS (Women are punished more, as God intended.)
NO HOMOS ON HETERO HUMPDAY (No punishments as they will get enough of that for eternity in Hell.) 
Each infraction comes with penalties except Hetero Humpdays. For women who break the Tuesday rule, it is a ban from the chat of 6 days. Furries who post fur outside of Fridays other than sneps (Queen’s privilege, Milo’s fursona is a snow leopard) are banned for a day. There was a rule for Mondays—NO MEN—but Milo rescinded it yesterday before it went into effect. Why? Because it would only make the chat more boring. We women are good at that, you see.

It is interesting watching the newcomers arrive whenever the portal opens. Most come in without saying anything, the Dragon’s message being our only clue that they have joined. Others leap immediately into the fray.

Some do better than others.

Some try spamming the chat with memes. Some go for the usual topics that they hope will cause an uproar.

The school is not for them, however, mainly because they never stick around very long once the long-time members have finished ridiculing them. But mostly because they don’t care enough to stay. Their goal is to get banned as quickly as possible, not make new friends.

The school is for those who love Milo and who crave his attention.

Or so they say. Sometimes it is hard to tell.

Take today, for example. Last night Milo published a major national news story about white nationalist nitwit and media darling Richard Spencer, but what happened in the chat?

Excited conversation about how at long last Spencer would get his comeuppance for his role in defaming Milo two years ago? Plans about how to get the word out via social media? Challenges to the reporters who were busy pretending it was not Milo’s story?

No. Yet another personal squabble between chat members over who was more beautiful—or not.

And you wonder why Milo instituted Sharia Tuesdays.

Actually, it was over some brownie recipes, not the presence or absence of filters on profile pics, but the squabbling was pretty much the same. Bitchy and mean and not funny at all. And, no, it wasn’t just the women.

I have had...words with the chat over the past few months. Sometimes quite forceful words. But, in truth, I am often talking to myself.

We have all felt it. The hunger. The longing. The frisson when Milo shares one of our comments or posts on his channel. The sense of being important, if only for a moment.

If only it could happen again. And again. And again.

Once is never enough.

It is why we keep coming back to the chat. That feeling. That dopamine hit of attention. When what we are supposed to be doing is serving our Queen, a.k.a. supporting Milo with links and memes and promoting his work.

But, oh, the weeping and wailing when someone is banned! We hear about it in the DMs that they send to everyone still in the chat. You would think they had been cut off from their pusher, so anguished is the withdrawal. Which, in a way, they have.

But it isn’t Milo’s doing. It is their own.

It is their pride. It is their sense of self-importance. It is their desire to be Someone. It is the real reason many of them join the chat. Not to support Milo, but to find a place where they can feel important by getting other people to pay attention to them.

Milo knows it—and is merciless in pointing it out.

This past week, for example, he added a new feature to the game: Thot-Be-Gone, by which members of the chat could pay to have someone else silenced according to a graduated tariff. For $5, you could have your target silenced for a day; for $50, a whole week. One month cost $100; a year $250. There was even an option for effecting a lifetime ban, a bargain at $500.

But there was a catch: thots so banned could buy their way back into the chat for double the price, except for those banned for life.

Chaos ensued. One chat member paid to have all the admins (myself included) banned. Two members conspired to have Milo banned—the instigator himself was removed. A valiant knight came to the rescue of yours truly, while another patron paid for all the bans to be lifted. Within a few hours, new alliances had formed, while others were left feeling bitterly rejected.

Everyone was on edge. Over his or her status in a chat.

Meanwhile, Milo spent today fielding requests from journalists for comment about the audio he released in which Richard Spencer revealed himself in his full pettiness and bile, screaming about how important he was and how he was going to “ritualistically humiliate” everyone who had dared to stand up to him for his racism.

“I rule the f**king world!” Spencer insisted. “Those pieces of shit get ruled by people like me.”

How was it Christ put it? “And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be humbled, and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted” (Matthew 23:12).

Over and over and over again, someone in the chat will attempt to make it his or her own, making him- or herself the primary focus of conversation. To give credit where credit is due, some are quite skilled at it, dominating the chat for hours at a time.

And then Milo will come in and remind them: “If it helps, think of this as ‘Milo’s chat room.’” Or, more forcefully: “What are ANY of you good for? Sweet Baby Jesus and the orphans THIS IS A FUCKING WAR ROOM. KEEP YOUR BORING PERSONAL BULLSHIT OUT OF IT.”

You would think we would fucking learn.

Oh, look, it is almost Sharia Tuesday again.

For further lessons in embracing humility and renouncing pride, see The MILO Chronicles.


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