Fencing Bear at Prayer

Short answer: No, not if you're doing it right. As, for example, here, where I am trying to explain an insight that came to me at the tournament this past weekend while I was thinking about whether I should just quit trying to fence épée as a second weapon and stick to foil.  I've been competing in épée off and on, I now realize, for going on something like three or so years .  And yet, I am nowhere nearly as strong in épée now as I was when I had been competing in foil for the same amount of time.  By the time I had been competing in foil as long as I have been competing in épée, I was a D.  I'm not even an E in épée at the moment, nor is it likely that I will be any time soon. So why is that?  Well, I don't really get to practice épée much now that our club moved and most of the fencers that I practice with only do foil.  But that isn't all of it.  I could say that it's because I haven't been working hard enough at it, but that isn't quite it e...

Look at me. Okay, this would be easier if I could figure out how to upload a photo into Blogger from my iPad. But imagine you can see me, sitting calmly on my fencing bag. (Remembering, of course, that I am just a little bear, not a full grown woman or anything.) There I am. Not crying, not beating myself up, not telling myself stories about how I can't learn and never will. Just sitting. And, yes, I lost today. Not badly, not well. Just lost. And that's it, end of story. Or the beginning of a whole new one. Because I fenced in a national tournament today against the best women in the country my age (well, some of them, not everyone who was signed up decided to fence the event so as to save themselves for their big event on Monday), and...nothing. Or everything. I'm fighting a bit of a caffeine-headache right now, not having my usual supply of tea for the day, but I am still nevertheless oddly calm. So calm I'm not quite sure what to think about it. Beca...

Photo by Momma Bear

Get enough sleep , 7-8 hours night, plus naps as necessary.  Particularly important when you are trying to learn something new, think through a difficult problem, or recover from a session of writing. Eat well and often, about every 3 hours, but only when actually hungry.  Eat foods that make you feel good, not jazzed up or sluggish. Exercise regularly , ideally 6 days a week, 20-45 minutes at a time.  (Translated into Fencing Bear's terms: walk the dog twice daily, go to fencing practice twice a week.) Write (or whatever your most important work is) for no more than 90 minutes per session , with adequate breaks in between.   Schedule your writing for the time of day at which you can concentrate best (in my case, mornings).  Work gradually over time at longer projects rather than "bingeing" or "pulling an all-nighter" or "writing the conference paper/chapter/proposal in a weekend."  Set a timer, turn off all distractions, and concentrate on nothin...

My dog has exactly the right idea.  Whatever she's doing, she does with her full attention, whether it's lying on the floor in the hallway or going outside to chase squirrels.  You never see her halfway: kinda relaxed or kinda watching the squirrels.  Her attention is fully on, and in, the moment.  Which means, true to her name*, she is never without joy, whether she has a hour to play in the back garden while I sit and read, or only a few minutes as I take her downstairs to pee.  An hour, a minute, it's all the same to her--because it's all the same to her.  She takes full advantage of every moment to sniff, to look, to be.  And then, she's coming back inside, as satisfied (nearly) with the momentary break from indoors as she is with a more extended walk.  Okay, so she tugs at the bottom of the stairs, just to make sure I'm serious, but then she is bounding back up, as cheerful and engaged in the moment as she was when we went down.  She d...

I tried to find out who originally wrote this exemplum, but as it seems to be widespread on the web, I suppose it is okay to quote is as I found it here : "Author Unknown."  It is the best description I have seen of what I have been trying to learn about paying attention as a way of practicing for prayer.  It all depends on how to read you read the rock.  For me, it is almost everything: my fencing, my scholarly work, trying to "fix" myself psychologically and spiritually, you name it.  But what if, after all, the point is pushing the rock, not making it move? A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light and the Savior appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. This the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulders set squarely against th...

1.  Allow yourself to eat whenever you are hungry, without judgment and without worrying what other people will think.  Enjoy your food.  Eat what you want most.  Stop when you are satisfied.  Pay attention when you feel the urge to eat and can tell you're not hungry.  Listen to what your urge to eat is telling you about what you don't want to think or feel.  Sit with any anxiety that you feel .  This will help you make peace with the past. 2.  Declutter your home.  Keep only the things that you currently use or enjoy.  Throw out or give away everything that makes you feel anxious, unhappy, or burdened.  Watch yourself when you find yourself wanting to acquire something new.  Is it something you need?  Is is something you particularly like?  Or is it something that you think having will change your life in some significant way (e.g. make you feel more beautiful or loved or safe), but in fact will most likely ju...

Because they distract us when we are reading or meditating or praying from paying attention to God .  They are deadly because, more often than not, we don't even realize what they're doing. Gluttony says, "Eat this, it will make you feel better."  And so we stuff down the uncomfortable thought: "I'm unlovable."  And get fat. Greed says, "Buy something, it will make you feel better."  And so we stuff down the uncomfortable thought: "I'm not worthy."  And fill our homes with clutter. Lust says: "You would be happy if only you had sex (or a relationship) with him (or her)."  And so we stuff down the uncomfortable thought: "I'm inadequate."  And lose ourselves to another's image of what we should be. Sloth says: "You can't be expected to concentrate continuously, just take a little break."  And so we stuff down the uncomfortable thought: "I can't do this."  And never ...

Can you see what she sees?

"The key to a Christian conception of studies is the realization that prayer consists of attention .  It is the orientation of all the attention of which the soul is capable toward God.  The quality of attention counts for much in the quality of prayer.  Warmth of heart cannot make up for it. "The highest part of the attention only makes contact with God, when prayer is intense and pure enough for such a contact to be established; but the whole attention is turned toward God. "Of course school exercises only develop a lower kind of attention.  Nevertheless, they are extremely effective in increasing the power of attention that will be available at the time of prayer, on condition that they are carried out with a view to this purpose and this purpose alone. "Although people seem to be unaware of it today, the development of the faculty of attention forms the real object and almost the sole interest of studies .  Most school tasks have a certain intrinsic in...

An exercise in attention. In answer to the question: what's on your mind right now? Rules: Record what you are thinking about every hour on the hour. No cheating: it really has to be what you are thinking about on the hour , not what you were thinking over the course of the hour. 150 words or fewer per entry (or thereabouts). 6 a.m. What a vivid dream! That's going to haunt me all day. I wish I could write a poem about it. 7 a.m. I wish my right hip weren't so stiff. Breathe. Has it been 2 minutes yet? 8 a.m. 'Then it is with present happiness that you are drunk. Well. Long, long may it last.' 'Ha, ha, ha! That is exactly what Parker said. "Long may it last," says he; but envious, like, you know --the grey old toad.'* 9 a.m. Is it silly to want a cover for my prayer book? Should I try to make one myself? I don't know if I like any of the ones I've seen on-line. 10:00 a.m. It's funny how there are so many books about pie...

Sitting in church yesterday morning, I started to think about how I would explain what I believe to my friends and family who are not Christians. The obvious place to start would seem to be the creed, that is, the trinitarian description of God as the creator who became incarnate, died and rose again for the salvation of humanity and then sent His Holy Spirit upon those who believed in Him, but this is rather like describing the point of fencing as hitting one's opponent with the tip of a metal stick. It is true, but almost laughably inadequate as an account of everything that makes attempting that action meaningful and worth years, perhaps even a lifetime, of practice. Yes, from the outside, all that seems to be happening in fencing is that two people are moving backwards and forwards along a narrow strip of ground, taking turns extending their arms towards each other while holding said sticks, sometimes hitting those sticks together, at other times landing the points of the sti...

A friend of mine who has been following my posts of late has been anxious to remind me that fencing is not something that you can learn by reading a book . In his words: "Fencing is so 3-D and reactive it is impossible to articulate into book learning." Rather, it is something one learns only by doing, more particularly, through the physical lessons that we have with our coach: "Everything you will need to learn about fencing he will teach you. There is no need to look elsewhere." Fencing, of course, is not the only activity to suffer this limitation. Tennis, knitting, singing, playing a musical instrument, walking, speaking a language, prayer: none of these activities is accessible to us in any way other than through practice itself. Far from being able to teach us "how to", books of themselves cannot even teach us how to read, as any one who has gone to a library and picked up a book without knowing the relevant conventions of translating phonemes...