Fencing Bear at Prayer

"Hypomania provides an ideal ground for testing prevention and moderation.  But hypomania has garnered only a small, scattered literature related to writing.  Where we had hoped to find treatments, we uncovered little more than explanations.  Even these, however, prove fascinating. "The bulk of writing in this area comes from romantics who see the mania of manic-depressive illness as the fount of creative genius.  Somehow, these accounts proclaim, the most original artists and writers are visited by sporadic states of creative madness, almost as if by Muses.  Well-publicized fund raisers are held with the naive goal of honoring manic-depressives, much as though preserving an endangered species; well-known inquiries into mania repeat the misinformed worry that its cure might drain our society of creativity.  What the romantics miss seeing, though, is the real horror of mania as a chaotic, delusional, terrifying condition.  Truly manic states do not pe...

"Although the outward picture of depression is quite the opposite of that of grandiosity and has a quality that expresses the tragedy of the loss of self in a more obvious way, they have many points in common: A false self that has led to the loss of the potential true self A fragility of self-esteem because of a lack of confidence in one's own feelings and wishes Perfectionism Denial of rejected feelings A preponderance of exploitative relationships An enormous fear of loss of love and therefore a great readiness to conform Split-off aggression Oversensitivity A readiness to feel shame and guilt Restlessness... " Depression consists of a denial of one's own emotional reactions ... "It is usually considered normal when sick or aged people who have suffered the loss of much of their health and vitality or women who are experiencing menopause become depressive.  There are, however, many people who can tolerate the loss of beauty, health, youth, or lo...

I had a glimpse last week of what it would be like to be normal.  At least, it's what I imagine normal would be like: to be able to look at my husband and feel nothing but tenderness and love for who he is and how much he loves me.  No threats, no anxieties, no misunderstandings.  Above all, no conviction that he is angry at me when he actually isn't.  I've been so deaf.  So blind.  So scared.  It didn't matter what he said to me, I couldn't hear. Nor was it just my husband.  I've been living in fear of what other people were thinking of me pretty much all of my life.  Running scared.  Absolutely convinced that there was no way anybody could actually like me .  That there wasn't some hidden agenda or lie.  That they weren't angry when they said something about what I'd done.  I've heard criticisms when there wasn't even advice, challenges when all they were saying was "Hello," scorn when they were trying to invite me to ...

Maybe it's the sunshine. Maybe it's being more or less on schedule with my reading for class this upcoming week. Maybe it's having my keyboard clean and my laptop's operating system reinstalled so that I don't get the Spinning Beachball of Death every time I start trying to type.* Maybe it's sitting here on the porch with my husband watching the Dragon Baby frolicking in the leaves. Or maybe it's reading more in Martin Seligman's Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life (New York, 1998), but I really am feeling better. More optimistic, even. Not so much yesterday when I started reading Seligman's book. I took his "are you depressed?" quiz and nearly maxed out (40 points out of 60, with over 24 points being in the danger zone for "severely depressed"). Apparently, I should be seeking professional help now. Like right now. As in yesterday. It's amazing I haven't killed myself. Or maybe I jus...