Fencing Bear at Prayer

I went to the doctor today to get medicines for the sinus infection that I seem to have been fighting for going on twelve or thirteen years. I didn't realize that it was a chronic infection; I thought that I just kept getting sick all the time. My mother has been telling me to get myself checked for a while now, but what does she know? She's only a radiologist. Who knows what chronic sinus infections look like thanks to all the CT scans she's read. But never mind. I didn't want to take the time to go to the doctor because I didn't think that he would be able to give me anything other than a talk about how all I had was the flu. I was wrong: he gave me antibiotics and steroids (nasal, not anabolic!). I also got my wrist x-rayed. It's been hurting for a good year and a half now, ever since I fell during an epee bout (I know, what was I thinking?  Epee?!!) Thanks to the pain in my wrist, I haven't been able to do my yoga for a good six months, and I ...

It's dawn, or thereabouts. I can see a row of palm trees outside my hotel window. I was up too late last night watching Pay-per-view and hulu. I'm scared. As usual. Because here I am at the keyboard and I can't quite think what to say. I saw my first saguaro yesterday. My cousin's wife asked (on Facebook) if they were in bloom. It is as warm here as it will be where I live sometime in June. I am afraid of my life. There, did you notice that I was quoting Anselm? Perhaps this is a mediation to stir up fear. Perhaps it is a prayer. Lord, I have been so alone. So alone in the midst of your love. In the midst of my husband's love that I refused to see because of my fear. And I've been angry. Angry at you for giving me dreams and ambitions. Angry at the world for not giving me what I wanted when I thought I wanted it. Angry at myself for not having the courage to ask for what I want because I am so afraid of hearing the word "No." T...

One of the things that I hoped would happen if I started keeping this blog was that I would somehow avoid feeling the way that I am feeling right now, after practice, having lost a bout to one of my clubmates that, in my pride*, I feel that I "ought" to have won. Well, there goes that theory! What is vexing me now is that my friend told me afterwards that she had been reading my blog and found what I said about being fully on the strip, not worrying about anything other than the action of the moment, really helpful** and that she had been thinking about this while we were bouting. And, indeed, she fenced very well and quite appropriately won. Throughout the bout, she stayed relaxed but focused, such that even when the score reached 10-14 against her, she was able to play each touch, one at a time, and come back and win the final touch with the score tied. On the one hand, I am encouraged (not to mention, flattered) that she found what I wrote made sense and was able to ap...